These phrases are commonly associated with individuals who lean toward avoidant attachment. For most people, relationships and closeness feel good. It’s easy for them to create a bond with someone and lean into that bond, and the result is positive feelings. Love is easy and feels secure. But on the other side of the spectrum, insecure attachment can make individuals chase love desperately (often abandoning themselves and their values for the chase) or they run away from love when it gets too close.

For avoidantly attached individuals, who do report that they want love and affection in their lives but aren’t sure how to handle it when they find it… what’s the solution?

How do you cope when you find yourself fearful of (or repulsed by) the very thing that you want?

More than 50 years ago, British Psychoanalyst John Bowlby and his colleague Mary Ainsworth found that children attach with their caregivers either securely or insecurely. Securely attached children feel safe and comfortable in their connection with their caregivers; they feel safe to explore their environment and sure that their parents will be there for them when they need help or comfort. For a variety of reasons, insecurely attached children do not feel safe in that connection and respond in one of two unhealthy ways. Anxious attachment emerges when children become hypervigilant and desperately cling to a parent to keep them close. Avoidant attachment, on the other hand, is a response that children develop when they give up on the connection (or feel that they must protect themselves against it) and turn inward for comfort instead. (A much less common third insecure style--dubbed disorganized or fearful avoidant--is a combination of the two.)

Avoidant Attachment is characterized by a fear of intimacy and an extreme desire for distance and autonomy. This fear is often unconscious, and they operate in a mode of self-protection, even while craving love and closeness. People with avoidant attachment styles often experience difficulty trusting others and may withdraw from relationships when they feel too close. They may have been hurt or abandoned in the past, and they may worry about being hurt again.

Remember, too, that these are just examples, and not everyone will fit neatly into one category. People tend to favor one category heavily, but it’s not uncommon to experience traits of the other categories from time to time in relationships. Our particular attachment style can also change over time, depending on our past experiences and individual relationships.

Avoidant attachers, when single, often dream of a relationship that feels good and closeness that is comfortable for them and healthily expressed. Deep down, like most people, they want a loving partnership and someone to experience life with. They usually get into new relationships with great intentions, perhaps even finding excitement and closeness easy… at first.

It’s not long before doubts and worries start creeping in. Attraction to them may wane as they notice more and more about the relationship that gives them pause. A sinking feeling of things being “not quite right” becomes tougher and tougher to ignore. The closer the relationship gets and the more a romantic partner wants, the more suffocated and desperate to get away the avoidant attacher feels.

Again, this isn’t because they don’t want love. It is more a function of unconscious self-protection that kicks in when they find themselves faced with increasing intimacy. It can be as frustrating for the avoidant attacher as it is for their confused partners.

An avoidant may find themselves single for long periods of time, or leap-frogging from short-term attachment to situationship, never able to settle in long enough to make something last. They may feel that they are constantly keeping partners at arm’s length. Because they often care for the people they are getting close to, a sense of guilt may even accompany the realization that they are never quite able to give partners what they’re asking for.

Avoidant attachers learned early on that other people are not safe places to get their needs met. For them, love means a loss of freedom. It means that their needs and desires will be overlooked or attacked. They learn not to rely on others and to become fiercely self-sufficient at the cost of love and connection.

This unconscious drive for self-protection can keep an avoidant attacher romantically isolated for years and years. Without the knowledge of how to protect oneself, the lack of healthy boundaries becomes the biggest issue for them. For them, romantic attachment often means losing oneself in the requests and identity of the other person. The avoidant attacher’s identity and needs for freedom become overlooked (or attacked, if their partner is anxious). The relationship begins to feel smothering and engulf them.

Another issue in avoidant attachment is a disconnection from feeling their emotions. Safer, more surface-level emotions rise to an avoidant’s awareness: anger, irritation, discomfort, etc. The deeper feelings (shame, loneliness, fear, etc.) stay far below the surface, unacknowledged but still running the show.

Without any tools for addressing this and holding onto their identity, the only solution seems to be for them to cut ties and run.

‘Deactivating’ strategies is how avoidant shut down their desire for closeness and protect themselves. In the context of attachment theory, deactivating strategies refer to psychological defense mechanisms or behaviors that individuals may employ to manage their attachment needs or anxieties. These strategies typically involve creating emotional distance or minimizing the importance of attachment relationships. Here are some examples:

If you are unhappy with your attachment style, there is hope! One of the most important things you can do is to learn more about your attachment style. With greater understanding, you can start to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with your emotions. In this way, you’ll be able to make better choices about how you respond to strong emotions that arise during love. You can also start to learn new ways of relating to others that are healthy and secure.

Anyone can move toward security and health with the right education, effort, and tools. No one is doomed by their attachment style, even if the work to change feels overwhelming at first.

We can begin to address our avoidant tendencies by doing the following:

If you’re the anxious partner reading this, it’s important to note that this information and work is not for you to push onto an avoidant partner. In fact, doing so will probably backfire and break the connection down. Telling a partner, “I know what’s wrong with you, and here’s what to do about it!” is a surefire way to make someone feel like you think they’re defective, or a project to fix. Instead, focus on the work that helps you to be the best, healthier partner you can for them. When you become a safe place for them to open up to, they’re more likely to ask for your opinion and assistance in addressing these issues. If anything, ask if there’s anything you can do to help them feel safe/happy in the relationship and then honor their requests.

If you’re the avoidant struggling to move toward security, take comfort in the fact that it is possible. By addressing the many aspects of avoidant attachment, we can chip away at the insecure thoughts and feelings that keep us trapped in this pattern of behaviors that sabotage our love life. The internet is full of resources for insecure attachers who aspire to healthier love; even by reading this, you’re taking an important first step.