For around half of the population, relationships and intimacy are neither terrifying nor elusive. They feel comfortable giving and receiving affection. They trust themselves to take care of their needs, and they also tend to trust others in times of need. These folks are confident, warm, and open; the holy-grail of the dating world. Let’s explore their super power: ‘Secure Attachment.’

Secure attachment is a way of relating in intimate relationships that is characterized by a lack of fear and remarkable self-trust. People with this style feel deeply for their partners and lovers, and also trust that they will ultimately be ok even if the relationship were to end. They tend to have an easy time getting into relationships and staying in them. They communicate more healthily and experience less anxiety and distress during hard times. Surprisingly, their calm and security can even serve to improve their partner’s style of relating!

In this article, we’ll discuss secure attachment in depth, exploring why this style of relating comes about, identifying this style in yourself and others, and finally, strategies for overcoming relationship anxiety and embracing a more secure way of relating.

How does someone develop a healthy, secure way of relating in intimate relationships?

It all starts in childhood. Our ability to see the world as a safe place that is good at meeting our needs is a result of many healthy, happy interactions between a child and their primary caregiver. The positive quality of a caregiver's responsiveness to their child's needs plays a major role in shaping the child's view of intimate relationships as safe and accommodating.

(For the other half of the world, the insecurely attached, unhealthy early interactions paint the world as scary and challenging; a place where their needs will not be consistently met.)

People with secure attachment styles likely have caregivers who are consistently responsive to their needs. These caregivers are warm, loving, and supportive. They provide a safe and secure base for the child to explore the world from. As a result, children with secure attachment styles develop a sense of trust and confidence in others.

While there are three types of insecure attachment styles of relating (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized), there is only one type of secure attachment. And thankfully, our attachment styles aren’t static or set in stone. We may have a main or default way of relating to others, but our attitudes and behaviors can change over time depending upon the intimate relationships in our lives feeding us new information about how safe/secure love is.

We are also not doomed by our dominant style! You can grow up having developed an avoidant style of relating, but learn security and safety through therapy, education about communication and emotions, or many positive relationship experiences.

There are some things that secure attachers do especially well compared to their less secure counterparts.

The securely attached are excellent self-soothers. They are able to calm themselves down when they’re feeling stressed out or upset, and they don’t rely on others to do this for them.

They are also able to resolve conflict constructively. They are able to deal with disagreements in a calm and rational way, and they are not afraid to compromise. They are able to treat people as individuals, and not project the problems of past lovers onto new ones. This also allows them to forgive and forget. They don't hold grudges, and they are able to move on from mistakes and disagreements.

Of course, secure attachment doesn’t mean perfection.

Having a secure attachment style is like always having a safe home base to return to when things get tough. They have a sunny view of themselves and relationships that are reflected in their thoughts. 

If you identify with these thoughts and behaviors, then you are very likely a secure attacher. Secure attachment is a sign of emotional maturity and resilience, and it can lead us to healthy and fulfilling relationships. It can even positively influence our partners with less secure styles.

Secure attachment is not only great to experience, but it can be uplifting and healing for romantic partners, as well. If you or your partner are secure, you’re less likely to experience conflict and anxiety in your relationship. The secure partner’s calm responsiveness is soothing to the less secure partner, diffusing conflict and arguments before they have a chance to escalate.

The positive way that Secures relate in their relationship can also serve to teach an insecure attacher new skills. Direct, assertive communication demonstrates to a partner that it’s ok to be their genuine self within the relationship.

This may sound like:

Statements like this demonstrate to the less secure partner than their significant other respects themselves, and feels that the relationship is a safe place to bring up issues. A secure partner shows the others that there is room in the relationship for BOTH partners’ happiness and desires. The less secure partner also gets great examples of how to bring up issues; modeling that they may not have had as a child or young adult.

The biggest challenge for the securely attached is coping with the less secure behaviors and thoughts of their partner. If you’re secure and you’re dealing with an anxious or avoidant partner, their tendency to cling or run can feel frustrating or even maddening. It’s vital that you understand that your partner is not trying to cause trouble. They are operating from a very different set of beliefs and automatic behaviors and they probably wish that their thoughts and behaviors were not so destructive. Understanding that they aren’t equipped with the same tools and mindset as you is key to calming feelings of anger and/or resentment toward them.

Learning more about your partner’s triggers can help you to avoid provoking them. Education about the insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) and how they act and think can help us find our partner’s challenging patterns and learn what to do if we see them engaging in problematic thinking or behavior.

A secure attacher’s healthy communication skills can also be a Godsend in the event that they’re paired with a less secure partner. Being able to get curious about our partner’s experience and encouraging them to speak freely about what need or feeling is underneath their difficult patterns can help our partners break free of destructive thoughts or actions.

That’s not to say that a secure partner owes their loyalty and allegiance and unending support to an insecure partner. Remember, your needs are valid, too, and you deserve to have them met in a healthy relationship. If your partner’s thoughts/behavior are simply too much for you to cope with and be happy, it’s reasonable to decide that the relationship is not the best place for you to stay.

Remember, secure attachment doesn’t mean perfection or a life without discomfort!

Even the most secure individuals will sometimes run into issues that feel too big for them to solve on their own. In this case, therapy can be helpful. If your partner’s insecure thoughts or behavior are putting a strain on the relationship, individual therapy for the secure attacher can be helpful. A therapist, counselor, or coach who is familiar with attachment theory, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and psychodynamic therapy will likely have tips and tools for helping us support an insecure partner.

Secure attachment has a lot of strength and power! However, that doesn’t mean that you owe limitless support and aid to a difficult partner. While secure attachers are great at helping their partners cope and regulate, it is VITAL that a relationship is surrounded by a strong support system of friends, family, clergy, or professionals who can provide love, support, and understanding. 

We’re not meant to take care of our partner all by ourselves.

One of the most important things we can do to improve our relationships is to learn to set healthy boundaries. This means learning to identify our own needs and wants and separate them from our partner’s, and to communicate those in a clear and assertive way. One of the most important aspects of healthy boundaries is that they seek to express and control OUR OWN behaviors and limitations, not our partner’s.

It can be especially difficult with an insecure partner who may have a warped view of responsibility to a partner--an anxious partner may feel too much responsibility to the relationship, where an avoidant partner may feel too little). Remembering that we’re first and foremost responsible for ourselves and our own actions can help when an anxious or avoidant partner is trying to convince you to overstep your boundaries for the sake of the relationship.

It’s also worth noting that everyone owes it to themselves to check in with themselves often and make sure that they’re not carrying more than they’re able to. Relationships can become very heavy burdens; especially if we’re carrying weight all alone. Secure attachment and the skills and strengths that come with it do not obligate someone to sticking around for more than they can bear.


Setting healthy boundaries (EVEN IF that means walking away from a relationship with someone you really care about) is crucial to staying secure.

Absolutely. This is called “Earned Secure Attachment” and it happens all the time.

Earned secure attachment is a type of attachment style that develops in adulthood, after an individual has overcome early insecure attachment experiences. People with earned secure attachment have a positive view of themselves and others, and they are able to form healthy and fulfilling relationships. They are able to trust others, communicate effectively, and resolve conflict constructively.

Earned secure attachment is possible for anyone, regardless of their early attachment experiences. If you are willing to put in the work, you can develop a healthy and secure attachment style that will benefit you for the rest of your life.

Whether you’re securely attached, partnered with a secure attacher, or working your way toward the coveted ‘Earned Secure’ style, you know that security in love comes with many wonderful benefits and advantages. Security is possible for even the most distressed individuals and couples. Education about attachment, self-work, and therapy can help bring us closer to the comfort and ease in love that we all aspire to.