Have you ever been told that you’re too clingy or needy in relationships? You’re not alone and your thoughts and behavior may be caused by anxious attachment.
Anxious attachment is an insecure way of relating in intimate relationships that is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance. People with anxious attachment styles often worry that their partners do not love them enough or that they will leave them. They may be clingy, possessive, and jealous.
Needless to say, this can have a significant impact on relationships. People with anxious attachment styles may sabotage their relationships by constantly seeking reassurance or by becoming controlling. They may also be more likely to experience emotional distress if their partners do not meet their ever increasing needs or requests.
In this article, we’ll discuss anxious attachment in depth, exploring why this style of relating comes about, identifying this style in yourself and others, and finally, strategies for overcoming relationship anxiety and embracing a more secure way of relating.
Where Our Attachment Styles Come From
So how did this damaging way of relating come about?
Attachment styles are formed in early childhood as a result of the interactions between a child and their primary caregiver. The quality of these interactions, particularly the caregiver's responsiveness to the child's needs, plays a major role in shaping the child's view of intimate relationships as safe and accommodating, or scary and challenging.
People with secure attachment styles likely have caregivers who are consistently responsive to their needs. These caregivers are warm, loving, and supportive. They provide a safe and secure base for the child to explore the world from. As a result, children with secure attachment styles develop a sense of trust and confidence in others.
Children with insecure attachment styles have caregivers who are inconsistently responsive to their needs. These caregivers may be neglectful, rejecting, or inconsistent in their caregiving. As a result, children with insecure attachment styles develop a sense of insecurity and anxiety about relationships in general.
While there is only one secure attachment style, there are three types of insecure attachment styles:
Anxious attachment:
People with this style are often clingy and demanding. They may worry that the ones they love will not be there for them and they may have difficulty trusting others.
Avoidant attachment:
People with this style tend to be emotionally distant and overly independent. They may avoid seeking comfort from their loved ones and have difficulty forming or maintaining close relationships.
Disorganized attachment:
People with this style unfortunately tend to exhibit the challenging aspects of BOTH anxious and avoidant styles. These contradictory behaviors, such as seeking comfort from intimate relationships while also pushing them away, make it very hard to connect. They may also have great difficulty regulating their emotions.
While very strong, attachment styles are not fixed and can change over time. While our early childhood experiences play a major role in shaping our attachment styles, there are other things that shape the way that we relate in intimate relationships.
Genetics:
There is some evidence that genetics may play a role in attachment styles.
Early life experiences:
Other early life experiences, such as trauma or neglect, can also influence the formation of attachment styles.
Culture:
Cultural factors can also play a role in attachment styles. For example, in some cultures, it is more common for children to be raised by extended family members or in group settings. Additionally, some cultures are more collective or close-knit, while others value autonomy and stoicism. These influence our attachment styles as well.
Key Characteristics of Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment is characterized by an intense fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance.
Here are some of the key characteristics of anxious attachment:
Clinginess and neediness:
People with anxious attachment styles often feel a strong need to be close to their partners. They may be very demanding of attention and reassurance, and they may have difficulty feeling secure in their relationships.
Fear of rejection and abandonment:
People with anxious attachment styles are often afraid of being rejected or abandoned by their partners. This fear can lead them to become overly clingy and needy, and it can also make them more likely to interpret their partners' actions in a negative light.
Low self-esteem and self-worth issues:
People with anxious attachment styles often have low self-esteem and self-worth. This can lead them to believe that they are not worthy of love or attention, and it can also make them more likely to accept negative treatment from their partners.
Excessive craving for closeness and affection:
People with anxious attachment styles often crave closeness and affection from their partners. They may feel like they can never get enough of their partners' attention, and they may become upset or anxious if they do not feel close to their partners.
So where does this excessive need for closeness come from?
As discussed above, our parents or caregivers have a significant role in our development of an anxious way of relating romantically. Children who have caregivers who are inconsistently responsive to their needs are more likely to develop an anxious attachment style. This is because they learn that if they do not watch their parents carefully for signs of abandonment, their needs may not be met, and they become hypervigilant and needy as a result.
Parental inconsistency isn’t the only path to anxious attachment. Other factors that can contribute to the development of anxious attachment include: Neglect or abuse, as well as loss or prolonged separation can also create an anxious or needy child.
Impact of Anxious Attachment on Adult Relationships
It probably goes without saying that this pattern of relating has a significant impact on relationships. People with anxious attachment styles are more likely to experience conflict and anxiety in their relationships. They may also be more controlling or manipulative (even unintentionally) and they may also have difficulty trusting their partners.
Granted, if your romantic partner is legitimately acting untrustworthy (being sneaky, unfaithful, unavailable, or dismissive), your anxiety over their behavior does not indicate an anxious attachment style. Anyone would react badly to this kind of behavior! Anxious attachment is more likely the culprit if you find yourself wound up, suspicious, or anxious no matter what your partner’s behavior is. Even more characteristic of the anxiously attached is the tendency to STAY with a partner who is acting in these ways and not confront them about it or try to leave.
Those who exhibit an anxious attachment style will also likely find their friendships, family relationships, and/or work relationships compromised by their clinginess. They may find that they feel deserted often, or nervous about trying to keep or maintain intimacy and closeness, no matter how badly they want it.
Thankfully, there is a LOT that you can do to address an anxious attachment style and become more secure.
Healing An Anxious Attachment Style
The first step to healing an anxious attachment style is to become more aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This means paying attention to how you react in different situations, and trying to understand why you react the way you do. A skilled therapist or coach can help you to develop this skill and give you tools for identifying reactivity and problematic thoughts as they arise.
Self-reflection can help you to identify the triggers that cause anxiety quickly, and to understand the underlying beliefs and assumptions that contribute to your troubling thoughts and behaviors. Once you have a better understanding of yourself, you can start to challenge these beliefs and assumptions, and to develop more positive and secure ways of relating.
Another important step in healing an anxious attachment style is to develop healthy communication skills. This means being able to express your emotions effectively, and to ask for what you need in relationships. This can be incredibly frightening for those who struggle with anxious attachment, but education and practice can help us overcome that fear over time.
Learning assertive communication is one of the most powerful ways to move toward secure relating. Anxious attachers are far more likely to use a passive way of communicating (hinting, pouting, hoping that partners will guess what’s wrong, denying their needs until they can’t hide it anymore, etc.) Passive and passive-aggressive communication does more damage than good in relationships, but assertiveness can be learned and developed.
Remember, your needs are valid and you deserve to have them met in a healthy relationship. By learning to express your needs in a clear and assertive way, you can build more secure and satisfying relationships. If you are afraid of expressing your emotions, it could be because of a fear of being seen as too needy or demanding. A helpful skill is learning how to identify and name your emotions and to communicate them in a way that is clear and respectful.
When you gain the ability to ask for what you need in relationships, clearly and assertively, you’re more likely to get your needs met. Being willing to have difficult conversations with your partner and negotiate to find a solution that works for both of you is essential to creating a healthy relationship.
Seeking Professional Help: The Benefits of Therapy and Counseling
If you are struggling to heal your anxious attachment style on your own, you may want to consider seeking professional help. Therapy and counseling can provide you with the support and guidance you need to understand your attachment style, and professionals are trained to give their clients tools for developing healthier ways of relating to others.
There are many different types of therapy and counseling that can be helpful for people with anxious attachment styles. Some common approaches include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), and psychodynamic therapy. All of these methods have proven to be effective in helping people change and heal their insecure attachment style.
Developing a Support System: Building Secure Relationships
We are not required to go through this healing alone! It is vital that we develop a support system of people who can provide us with love, support, and understanding. This could include friends, family members, or a therapist.
Anxious attachers in particular tend to try to make their romantic partner into their ‘everything.’ This is too much to put on a single person! Having a strong support system can be invaluable when you are trying to heal your anxious attachment style. These people can offer you encouragement, advice, and a safe place to vent your feelings. They can also help to model healthy relationships for you. Their support and validation can show you (the anxious attacher) what kind of behaviors you’d like to seek or build within a romantic relationship. After all, we are capable of incredible growth! Our relationships with secure individuals are one of the best ways to learn what it’s like to be secure with others.
Setting Healthy Boundaries and Maintaining Independence
One of the most important things that people with anxious attachment can do to improve their relationships is to learn to set healthy boundaries. This means learning to identify our own needs and wants and separate them from our partner’s, and to communicate those in a clear and assertive way. One of the most important aspects of healthy boundaries is that they seek to express and control OUR OWN behaviors and limitations, not our partner’s.
One example is our tendency to pursue partners who resist labeling the relationship. Instead of floundering for years in an unlabeled ‘situationship’, a healthy boundary would be to communicate that you are only available for a relationship that is official, labeled, and moving toward increasing seriousness after a few weeks or months. If you find yourself in relationship limbo, it’s important to learn how to uphold your boundary (essentially, a promise to yourself) and trust yourself to take care of your best interests.
For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may feel the need to constantly check in with your partner to make sure that they still love you. However, this can be overwhelming for your partner and can lead to conflict in the relationship. Instead, you could let your partner know that you feel best in a relationship when there are regular check-ins--for example, a good morning or good night phone call--and then allow them to choose how they respond to that request.
Respecting Other People's Autonomy
Early in the article, you learned that anxious attachers have a tendency to try to control their partners. A vital skill of secure relating is respecting other people's autonomy. This means understanding that your partner is their own person with their own needs and wants, and that you cannot control them. No matter how frightening it may be, we have to let other people do as they will, and trust ourselves to communicate our needs and remove ourselves from relationships that don’t feel safe and healthy to us.
For example, if you have an anxious attachment style, you may try to control your partner's behavior by guilt-tripping them or by trying to make them feel bad if they don't do what you want. However, this is not a healthy way to interact with your partner. Instead, you could learn to respect your partner's autonomy by giving them the space to make their own decisions and by not trying to control their behavior. This skill MUST be paired with a trust in ourselves that we are worthy of love and respect, and that we WILL take care of ourselves if the situation proves unhealthy for us.
Additional Skills To Combat Anxious Attachment:
Learning to say no..
If you are asked to do something that you don't want to do, you have the right to say no. You don't have to do something just to please your partner. People-pleasing can feel like a safe way to ensure that others will stick around, but tragically, it tends to do just the opposite.
Setting limits on your time.
You need to have time for yourself, just as your partner needs time for themselves. Don't be afraid to set limits on your time so that you can have some time to yourself. We worry that limiting our time with our loved one will cause them to drive away, but ironically, just the opposite tends to happen. When we nurture a full and healthy life for ourselves outside of our relationship, others will be drawn toward us.
Expressing your needs.
If you have needs that are not being met, you need to express them to your partner. Don't expect your partner to read your mind.
Practice autonomy.
When you turn to your partner and find that they’re busy, practice helping yourself. This can help combat the over-dependence on others that anxious attachers often have. A relationship is a wonderful place to find love and support, but only if you’re also able to give those things to yourself.
A Lack of Self-Trust
Anxious attachment is marked by a lack of self-trust. We outsource our safety and happiness to others and then feel terrified or disappointed when they drop the ball. Self-trust means that we feel confident in our ability to take care of ourselves.
So what are a few things that you can do to build trust in yourself?
Acknowledge your strengths:
Everyone has strengths. Take some time to think about your strengths and to appreciate them.
Set realistic goals:
Don't set yourself up for failure by setting unrealistic goals. Set goals that you are capable of achieving, and celebrate your successes.
Take care of yourself:
This means eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising. When you take care of yourself, you are taking care of your mind and body, which will help you to feel more confident and secure.
Be kind to yourself:
Everyone makes mistakes. Don't beat yourself up when you make a mistake. Instead, learn from your mistakes and move on.
So what are some ways to recognize that you’re on the road to secure attachment and relating?
You’re finding it easier to speak up for yourself and your needs. Rather than being passive or afraid to communicate, you might notice that you’re aware of your thoughts and needs and getting more comfortable bringing them to light. You also feel more certain about what you want.
You’re becoming more independent and giving yourself more of what you need. You know that it isn’t your partner’s sole responsibility to make you feel safe and happy, so in security, you may find yourself stepping up to the plate more. Your partner has SOME responsibility for your happiness, but you know that you do, too.
You feel less fear of abandonment. You enjoy your relationship and don’t want it to end but you also know that you’d ultimately be okay if that happened. You get better every day at taking care of yourself. This also comes with a newfound ability to stand up for what you know that you need.
You’re finding intimacy easier and less frightening. You spend less time ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’ and more time enjoying your relationship. There is less chasing behavior and more safety and open communication. You’re more likely to bring up difficult topics and navigate them well.
You’re less reactive and take time to thoughtfully respond. You’re noticing that you’re less emotionally volatile and not so quick to jump to conclusions. Anxiety dissipates as you begin to use cognitive reframing in your moments of anxiety to challenge troubling worries.
Love Doesn’t Have To Be Anxious!
Our anxious behavior in love isn’t something that dooms us. The thoughts and behaviors that cause us to cling and chase can be addressed and replaced with healthier substitutes.
Don’t forget to acknowledge milestones in your personal growth. Finding yourself more able to calm anxious thoughts or resist the urge to double/triple text or self-abandon should be celebrated! Taking the time to journal out accomplishments or reward yourself for small steps can give you momentum toward the bigger achievements in relationship health.
Seek support in the areas that give you the most trouble, and embrace positive change. It took a LONG time learning unhealthy ways of relating, it will likely take time to un-learn them, as well! The journey toward secure and fulfilling relationships is long but rewarding, and here at Secure Hearts, we’re excited to help you get there.
