Attachment theory is a psychological theory that explains how our early relationships with our caregivers shape our romantic relationships as adults. In the 1960’s, British psychologist John Bowlby noticed similarities in the ways that maladjusted children interacted with their parents, and how adults act in intimate relationships. He discovered that our natural tendencies, along with the innate drive to seek closeness with caregivers (and the way that caregivers respond) cause young children to develop helpful or harmful ideas and ways of interacting with the people they love. These thoughts and behaviors tend to carry over into adulthood and present as one of four styles of relating.

According to attachment theory, people tend to lean toward one of four different attachment styles: 
secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized.

Adults either relate securely or insecurely. There is only one style of secure relating: secure attachment.

Secure attachment is the healthiest, most desirable attachment style. Roughly 50% of people have this attachment style which is identified by feeling comfortable being close to others and trusting that a partner will be there when needed. They feel comfortable and secure in their relationships, and they do not worry about being abandoned or rejected. Secure attachers are able to communicate their needs and they feel generally happy about love. They are better cooperators, and flexible problem solvers.

Insecure relating is broken down into three categories. Those who tend to fear abandonment and cling in relationships (anxious attachers), those who tend to run from that intimacy (avoidant attachers), and a third type that harbors both fears of abandonment and intimacy (disorganized attachers).

Anxious attachment is characterized by a fear of abandonment and a need for constant reassurance. People with anxious attachment styles often feel insecure in relationships and worry that their partners will leave them, even without solid evidence this is true. They may have been neglected or abused in the past, and they may worry that their partners will leave them. They may also be clingy, demanding, and jealous. An anxious attacher may feel that “no one can get as close to me as I want.”.

Avoidant attachment is characterized by a fear of intimacy and an extreme need for distance and autonomy. People with avoidant attachment styles often experience difficulty trusting others and may withdraw from relationships when they feel too close. They may have been hurt or abandoned in the past, and they may worry about being hurt again. An avoidant attacher may think, “People want too much from me and it makes me uncomfortable.”

Disorganized (or fearful avoidant) attachment is a combination of the hardest parts of anxious and avoidant attachment. People with fearful avoidant attachment styles often feel intensely insecure in relationships and may withdraw from intimacy while at the same time craving closeness and intimacy. They may have experienced chaotic and unpredictable relationships in the past, and they may not know how to trust or depend on others. For disorganized attachers, neither closeness or independence feels safe and secure. This style is frequently born of great trauma and lack of safety.

Remember, too, that these are just examples, and not everyone will fit neatly into one category. People tend to favor one category heavily, but it’s not uncommon to experience traits of the other categories from time to time in relationships. Attachment styles can also change over time, depending on our past experiences and individual relationships.

The way that we attach to significant others can have a huge impact on our romantic relationships. Our ideas and behaviors around relationship needs and expectations can determine whether or not your relationship sinks or swims. For example, people with a secure attachment style are more likely to be satisfied with their relationships because they are based on trust, communication, and intimacy. People with one of the insecure styles are more likely to be dissatisfied and perceive their relationship as too distant, suffocating, or unfulfilling.

These issues are compounded when people of different styles come together and find that their different styles create complications that they don’t know how to navigate.

If you are unhappy with your attachment style, there is hope! One of the most important things you can do is to learn more about your attachment style. With greater understanding, you can start to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with your emotions. In this way, you’ll be able to make better choices about how you respond to strong emotions that arise during love. You can also start to learn new ways of relating to others that are healthy and secure.

Anyone can move toward security and health with the right education, effort, and tools. No one is doomed by their attachment style, even if the work to change feels overwhelming at first.

You can also talk to a therapist, read books and articles on attachment theory, or join a support group. With time and effort, you can develop a more secure attachment style and finally find peace and happiness in your relationships.

Attachment theory is a powerful tool that can help us understand our romantic relationships. By understanding our attachment style, we can develop coping mechanisms for dealing with our strong emotions and learn healthy new ways of relating to others.

Here are some additional tips for improving your attachment style:

If your partner or someone you love is struggling with their attachment style, remember that it isn’t healthy for you to change them for a few different reasons. First, it is not fair to our partner. We are not responsible for their attachment style, and it is not our job to try to fix them. Second, trying to change our partner's attachment style can be counterproductive. It can make them feel like we don't accept them for who they are, and it can lead to resentment and conflict in the relationship. Finally, trying to change our partner's attachment style is often futile. Attachment styles are formed in early childhood, and they are very difficult to change.

If we are in a relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style, the best thing we can do is to accept them for who they are and to be patient with them. We can also try to model healthy attachment behaviors ourselves. For example, we can be consistent and reliable, and we can communicate our needs and wants in a clear and assertive way. If our partner is willing to work on their attachment style, we can offer support and encouragement. However, we should never try to force our partner to change.

Here are some additional tips for dealing with a partner with an insecure attachment style:

Above all, don’t lose hope. There’s no reason to feel that you are doomed by an insecure way of relating to others. Here at Secure Hearts, we aspire to arm you with all the tools you’ll need to begin your journey toward a secure relationship.